Antiques Ring Show
by Sue
Summary: A familiar Middle-earth artifact turns up on PBS' Antiques Road Show.


TITLE:Antiques Ring Show  
  
AUTHOR: Sue  
  
Disclaimer: The usual!  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is just something that came to me the other night while watching Antiques Road Show, one of my fave shows. Enjoy!  
  
(SCENE: A large, crowded trade center, full of people in shorts and T-shirts milling around carrying all manner of paintings, vases, small sculptures, and other various antiques. Big colorful banners hand from the ceiling reading 'ANTIQUES ROAD SHOW'. Dim hubbub of voices in the background.)  
  
VOICE-OVER ANNOUNCER: And now let's head back to the Metropolitan Trade Center for more Antiques Road Show.  
  
(We see a raised table covered with dark pink velvet. One one side stands the jewelry EXPERT. He is a tall, slender, pleasant-looking middle-aged man with white hair and glasses, wearing a conservative dark jacket and tie. In one hand he holds a tiny pointer.  
  
On the other side stands FRODO, dressed in his traveling clothes. The table comes up almost to his collarbone.  
  
In the middle of the table, on a small velvet pillow, is the ONE RING.)  
  
EXPERT: All right, we're here with...(looks at FRODO).  
  
FRODO: (very properly) Frodo Baggins of the Shire.  
  
EXPERT: Oh, is that out in the suburbs?  
  
FRODO: (pause) Yes. Far, far out.  
  
EXPERT: Great. Well, you've brought something very nice here, little boy-  
  
FRODO: I'm almost fifty years old!  
  
(Pause, EXPERT regards him in surprise)  
  
EXPERT: Oh. Well, anyway, let's take a look at this very nice ring you've got here.  
  
(Close-up on the RING. It looks very plain.)  
  
EXPERT: Now, what can you tell us about it?  
  
FRODO: (Looks a bit uncomfortable) Umm, well, I don't think I can tell you, uh, anything, really.  
  
EXPERT: Do you know anything about its history?  
  
FRODO: (Long pause). Ooooooh, yeah. But it's not, um, something I can really talk about on the air.  
  
EXPERT: Ah, I see. Well, is it a family heirloom?  
  
FRODO: My Uncle gave it to me.  
  
EXPERT: And where did he get it?  
  
FRODO: (Another long pause) I don't think I can really tell you that, either.  
  
EXPERT: (frowns) It's not stolen, is it?  
  
FRODO: (Very quickly) NO! No, not stolen at all. Nope.  
  
EXPERT: Good, because you know, we can't deal with-  
  
FRODO: Not stolen in the slightest bit. Nope. It was never, ever taken from a dark cave deep in the Misty Mountains from a babbling monomaniac with bug eyes and a horrendous scalp condition. Not this ring. Nope.  
  
(Folds hands, looks up at EXPERT shaking head very quickly, curls jiggling)  
  
EXPERT: (Studies FRODO) Are you quite all right, Mr. Baggins?  
  
FRODO: Yes. It's NOT stolen. Not-  
  
EXPERT: (Quickly) Right, before you start that again, let's take a closer look at what you've got here. (Camera shows very tight close-up of the RING. Tip of pointer comes in from one side and moves around the Ring.) As you can see, it's a very plain gold band with no markings or decoration of any kind, although I notice there's a very faint reddish marking running around the perimeter, almost like letters.  
  
(We pan back to see the EXPERT and FRODO)  
  
FRODO: Oh, that's probably from the heat of these klieg lights you're using.  
  
EXPERT: Any idea what they might say?  
  
FRODO: (Looking uncomfortable) A little, yeah. But I'd rather not go into all that right now.  
  
EXPERT: (laying pointer down) Very well. Mr. Baggins, I'd say what you've got here is a very nice gold men's wedding band, possibly mid-19th century. If it had a maker's mark, I could tell you more about it, but since this design is so common it's unfortunately impossible to say who made it or when.  
  
FRODO: (looking tense) Actually, I might have a few ideas on that question.  
  
EXPERT: Oh, good, well, in that case, my estimate may change once you've got all the maker's information. If he was a famous or frequently collected jeweler, the value may be more than my estimate.  
  
FRODO: I think he might be kind of both.  
  
EXPERT: Excellent. Now, have you ever had this ring appraised?  
  
FRODO: Other than Gandalf riding to Minas Tirith and digging through the archives, no.  
  
EXPERT: Any idea as to its value?  
  
FRODO: Well, it's cost me and my friends an awful lot so far. I've spent a fortune on Tums alone.  
  
EXPERT: Now, since we don't have any immediate information as to its maker, I can only base its value strictly on its gold content and general collectability. Victorian era wedding bands are common, but this one is in excellent shape - not a scratch on it - so if you came into my shop today, I would probably give you about $300 for it.  
  
FRODO: $300?  
  
EXPERT: Yes. I hope that doesn't disap-  
  
FRODO: I'll take $300 for it, sure. Can we go to your shop now?  
  
EXPERT: Uh, well, I'm sorry, Mr. Baggins, that was just a hypo-  
  
FRODO: It doesn't even have to be $300. You can have it for $100. I don't mind.  
  
EXPERT: I'm afraid I'm not allowed to just buy people's-  
  
FRODO: (becoming desperate, eyes growing wider, tears puddling) Look, you can just have it! I'm so bloody sick of hauling it around! It's been nothing but weeks and weeks of misery. I'm tired, I'm sore, I got frostbite on Caradhras, splinters in Rivendell, and some sort of horrible fungal infection from the Midgewater Marshes. Aragorn never bathes, Legolas won't stop singing, and Gimli's snoring is driving me up a wall!   
  
EXPERT: Er-  
  
(Suddenly there's a commotion off-camera, and SAM runs on from the right)  
  
SAM: Here you are, Mr. Frodo! (Yells off) I found him, Mr. Gandalf!  
  
(Arrows start whizzing by from the right)  
  
SAM: Best get a move on, sir, those Orcs are in a right nasty temper, if you take my meaning.  
  
(Arrows get thicker)  
  
FRODO: (Sighs, picks up Ring) Oh, all right. Thanks anyway, I think I have to go now.  
  
EXPERT: Don't forget your free I Support PBS/Antiques Road Show tote bag for appearing on the show.   
  
SAM: Ooh, a tote bag! That'll come in very handy for carryin' all them Tums!  
  
(More arrows, screams from off camera, GANDALF the GRAY suddenly runs by, staff in hand)  
  
GANDALF: Come on, Frodo my lad! I knew we should have tried here first instead of 'Monster House'.  
  
(LEGOLAS leaps onto the table, firing several arrows off in rapid succession before jumping off and running to the left. ARAGORN and GIMLI run by, their weapons covered with Orc blood. General chaos.)  
  
GANDALF: (calling) Merry! Pippin! Fool of a Took - get away from that 'Ken Burns History of Beer' promotional table!  
  
(BOROMIR runs by, gore-covered sword in hand, pausing long enough to blast a note out on the Horn of Gondor before running back off. GANDALF drags FRODO away as EXPERT looks on, bewildered)  
  
(Cut to HOST, a thin dark-haired man in a dark suit, standing mildly, hands folded. Behind him, general chaos is unfolding, as the crowds run screaming and arrows are flying. Lots of crashing sounds. ARAGORN and GIMLI tumble into view, locked in battle with two large ORCS.)  
  
HOST: That's all the time we have tonight for Antiques Road Show. Stay tuned for 'The Keno Brothers Barge Into Peoples' Homes and Paw their Stuff', coming up next.  
  
(HOST remains on camera. All of the Fellowship charge by in the background, followed by MERRY and PIPPIN, large foaming glasses of beer in hand)  
  
PIPPIN: Look, everybody! It comes in free samples!  
  
(They all run out, followed by several large and angry Orcs)  
  
(And finally by a man in shorts and T-shirt, waving money)  
  
MAN: Hey, buddy! I'll give you fifty bucks for that horn!  
  
HOST: (smiling) Good night.  
  
THE END  
  
Thanks for reading! Reviews welcome!!  
  
Sue :)


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